May ’22 Journal

18th May 2022
Not a great few weeks. The voice has been extremely loud & consistent. On 3rd May I ended up taking an overdose, had a knife and was found walking in live traffic on a dual carriageway. I don’t remember walking in traffic. Thankfully a couple of helpful members of the public stopped me and phoned the police. The first thing I remembered was when the police were handcuffing me on the floor. Not a very nice experience. They ended up putting me on a section 136 and taking me to hospital for treatment. From there, I was transferred to the Becklin Centre and placed on a Section 2 on ward 1. Thankfully I got transferred to ward 5 as the consultant on there is so much better than ward 1. After getting off escorted leave I managed to get discharged on 13th May. I feel awful for stressing family and friends out. Unfortunately at the time my mind just takes over but once the voice stops, I realise what I am putting them all through. Upon discharge, I saw the Intensive Support Services every day & then today I had a visit with my Care Co-ordinator. Today was the last time of seeing her which I’m absolutely gutted about. I built up such a good rapport with her & she’s been such a great support. I wrote her a poem which I’ve put on this site. She was nearly in tears when she read it bless her. I am trying to be positive & open-minded about starting with my new nurse but at this moment it’s quite difficult. I think right now I just need to take one day at a time.

20th May 2022
The last couple of days have been better. The voice has hardly been there which is always a good thing. I saw the Intensive Support Service yesterday & am due to see them again on Sunday. I’m also seeing my psychiatrist on Monday. Work have still been really supportive which helps. I have just found out that one of my poems (The Light’s Gone Off) is going to be published which I’m really chuffed about. Hopefully it will inspire others who are in a similar position. Fingers crossed the next few days go just as well, if not better.

23rd May 2022
I had a really good day on Saturday. We took our granddaughters to a fair and it was lovely to see them enjoying themselves so much and having fun. We even took our puppy who was so well behaved. Unfortunately I then had a bad day yesterday. The voice was really loud & persistent. I saw the Intensive Support Service & told them what was going on. Between us & my husband, we talked through a safety plan. Not long after they left, we built up a storage box for the garden which really helped quietening the voice. This morning I met with my psychiatrist. She was as nice & helpful as she always is. We talked about what has been going on over the last couple of months. She thinks I should take some more time off work, possibly until the end of June. I’m hoping to go back maybe in the middle of June but will see how things go. She also increased my medication again so hopefully this should help with the voices. I’m going to try & stay busy this week & hopefully the voice will stay away.

25th May 2022
Yesterday wasn’t a good day. I felt ok until ISS & CMHT messed me around with appointments. Then they wouldn’t phone me back to let me know what was going on. My stress and anger because of all of this started the voice again. If it wasn’t for my husand I am pretty sure I would have done what the voice was telling me to do. Instead I did some diamond painting and I wrote a poem about it. By doing this I managed to channel my anger. I did receive a very nice phone call this morning from my psychiatrist who sincerely apologised and advised she would ensure all the staff were aware of how this sort of thing makes me feel. She also said she would ensure someone from the team phoned me today. I won’t hold my breath!

26th May 2022
I’ve had a lazy day today, not even got dressed! The voice has been there but not too loud. It seemed to start when I was talking to my husband about work. Maybe that made the voice angry. I have also had a bit of a fall out with one of my CMHT nurses. Then my husband received a telephone call from a detective about my case. It has now been passed from the Detective Inspector to her. She has said even though there is very little physical evidence after all these years, something obviously happened & there is a strong possibility it will go to the CPS. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m pleased they believe me but am very nervous if it goes to court as it will be like re-living it all again. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see what happens.

28th May 2022
I had more issues with CMHT yesterday where they didn’t return my phone call. I’m so tempted to tell them to shove it but I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. I’ll give my new nurse a chance but if it continues like this I’m going to stop seeing them as it’s stressing me out too much. Today has been a better day. I really enjoyed the walk with my dog along with my friend and her two dogs. We walked for about an hour and a half so was good to get some exercise & fresh air & my puppy certainly enjoyed it! Today I went to the shops on my own. This may seem such a trivial thing to most people but for me it is quite a big thing. In the past the voice has started when I’ve been out on my own but today all was good. I guess little steps are better than none. I referred myself for counselling yesterday but when I read the guidelines it said if you have been in hospital in the last 6 months they may not take you on. I think this is ridiculous. If you feel you need or are ready for counselling it shouldn’t make a difference whether you have been in hospital or not. I’ll just have to wait and see when they get in touch with me.

29th May 2022
I haven’t had the voice today which I’m so relieved about. We went food shopping this afternoon & that can sometimes be a trigger but thankfully not today. I’ve just signed up to do the June Dog Walking Challenge to raise funds for Mind. It will give me something to focus on & work towards & it’s all for a good cause. Plus our puppy will no doubt love it!! Yesterday I referred myself for counselling via the NHS Wellbeing website. They said it can be 8 weeks before someone gets in touch but hopefully it won’t be that long.

30th May 2022
I am feeling very deflated. I am trying to be proactive in sorting out some kind of counselling or therapy but without success. I phoned the Hearing Voices contact again today as last time they told me to phone back in a few weeks. Today she told me it probably isn’t going to be up and running until September. I’m also waiting to hear back from Rape Crisis & NHS Wellbeing. I had a call from CMHT today as both my usual nurses are on holiday this week. We were on the phone less than 3 minutes. What sort of support is that? It seems, unless you have a load of money & can afford to go private that nobody is interested in helping. It’s not good for your morale. My husband’s out tonight for a few hours & it’s the first time I’ve been in the house alone since coming out of hospital. So far it’s going well. I’m just going to try & keep my mind occupied.