1st November 2022
It’s been a busy few days again. Last Saturday we had my mum staying over with us. It was lovely having her here. We put a few bets on the football which we used to do every Saturday before she had her stroke. I even came close to winning! Then on Sunday we had our grandchildren staying over with us. It’s always great to have them here. No matter how you’re feeling, they always cheer you up. Yesterday was my first day in my new job. I was really nervous but as soon as I got there I felt great. Everyone was so friendly & it’s a nice small team. I can’t wait until I get trained as it’s a really busy area of the hospital & I want to make a difference. This morning I had my introductory session with the private counsellor. She seems really nice & I opened up to her quite well. She’s going to try & fit me in for evening sessions which will be weekly to start with & then possibly every fortnight. Tomorrow I have my first session on Skills For Managing Emotions course. I’m quite looking forward to it & hopefully I’ll be able to bring away some coping techniques.

3rd November 2022
It was my second day at work today. It’s pretty slow at the moment as I am waiting for access to the systems. I just can’t wait until I can contribute to the team. I have my first appointment with my private counsellor on Monday. I don’t know yet what we’re going to discuss. I guess I will just go with the flow, wherever that takes me. I went on the first session on the Skills For Managing Emotions course yesterday. It was pretty slow at the beginning but got better later on as we all started to contribute with our thoughts. I’ve received a message from Linking Leeds saying they will be in touch in the next 3 weeks with my first appointment. This is something my CPN arranged. I’m not sure what to expect. I think she said it would be for 8 weeks. My mum’s poorly at the moment. I feel so sorry for her as she’s so fed up. I wish there was more I could do for her.

8th November 2022
Well, I’m still enjoying my new job! I’m still waiting for access to some of the systems but I am getting busier which is good as time flies by. The rest of the team are really helpful. I had my first counselling session last night. It went really well. I found it quite easy to open up to her & she really seemed to understand & offered me some guidance in certain areas. It’s still early days but I’m hoping this is going to help me. I’m going to email the detective tonight to see if she has any further updates. It just seems to be taking forever & this is on my mind quite a lot. I’ve got the second group session tomorrow on dealing with emotions. Hopefully it will be a bit more engaging this week.

9th November 2022
I’ve just finished the second online emotions group. I quite enjoyed it. I’ve learnt a couple of useful skills which I’m going to practice this week. They are all relating to TIPP (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing & Paired muscle relaxation). I’m going to try the temperature one which involves putting a cold flannel over my face whilst bending forward for approximately 60 seconds. I’m also going to work on the paired muscle relaxation which involves tensing & relaxing different parts of your body. These may help me focus, especially when my mind wanders & goes into negative mode. I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Hopefully I will have enough to do to keep me busy whilst waiting for access to the systems. I’ve struggled with my dad’s death today. I’ve been thinking about him a lot, going back in time & what we used to do together as a family & the things he enjoyed doing. I miss him so much. I emailed the detective last night asking her for an update. Hopefully she will reply soon to let me know where she’s at with everything. This is on my mind quite a lot recently as well.

16th November 2022
It’s been a busy few days. I have been working Monday & Tuesday. Monday evening I had my second counselling session. It feels great to be able to talk to someone you don’t know about things, both in the past & in the present. She always checks throughout the session that I’m feeling ok & is not pushy at all. We did go in to some deep areas which was hard at times but by the end of the session I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Last Thursday the detective came back to me about the police investigation. She said she was waiting on two open actions to be completed which are dependant on third parties coming back to her so she couldn’t really give me a time frame of how much longer it’s going to be before they decide whether to pass it to the CPS or not. I’m finding it is getting harder trying to deal with this. I can’t prepare myself mentally as I don’t know what the outcome is going to be. I did speak with SARSVL again yesterday about this. My advocate is going to be on holiday from 16th December until 3rd January & so is my counsellor, so she is going to email the detective to ensure she doesn’t give me the decision during this time as I will not have their support to deal with the outcome. I attended the third session of Dealing With Emotions this afternoon. We covered using STOP (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully). I could try to use this if I have times where I’m feeling like I am losing control. I’m still waiting for Linking Leeds to arrange an appointment for me. This was set up by my CMHT but I’m not too sure what it’s all about. Maybe I’ll look in to it tonight. I may not need it if I’m having private counselling. As well as writing on here, I’ve started writing in a journal again which was suggested by my counsellor. I’ll see how that goes as I haven’t done it for a while.

19th November 2022
I’ve started writing in my journal like my counsellor suggested. I think it has helped with getting my thoughts down on paper. I’m looking forward to speaking to her again on Monday. I’m still thinking about the police investigation a lot. I just want them to decide one way or another so I can try and deal with whichever decision they make. Work is going ok. I’m still waiting for access to some of the systems but once I’ve got these, I should be able to get on with all the work & help the rest of the team. I just need to be busy. It’s my last week of the phased return hours next week & then I will be back full time. In some way I wish they could have offered me a part time position but I’m sure I’ll get used to the hours after a while. I have to spend time with one of the consultants on Tuesday which I’m not looking forward to. I feel really anxious when I’m on my own with someone in a higher position. I went to see my mum today. She was on good form and we had a laugh about a few things. It’s nice to see her smiling. Tomorrow we’re going bowling for one of our granddaughter’s birthday. It should be good fun & it’s always nice to spend time with them. I’m really tired at the moment. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working again or if it’s something else. I guess I’ll work it out.

24th November 2022
It’s been a really bad few days. The voice has been extremely loud & persistent. I have been struggling to cope. Yet again I have let my husband down. Why don’t I talk to him when I’m struggling? He is always so supportive yet I do it every time. I really don’t deserve him. I’m back at work full time next week which may be hard to start with but hopefully I will soon get used to it. My counsellor has decided I need support from someone else who is more experienced with what I’m going through. I feel totally let down. I really trusted her & managed to open up to her even after just two sessions. She has said she is going to speak with her supervisor again in 2 weeks but is going to put our sessions on hold. I always feel like, when I eventually find someone who I can trust, somehow they leave me. I know it’s probably just how my mind works but I just can’t help feeling how I feel. I’m going to try & get an apoointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about a few things but, knowing what my doctors are like, I probably won’t be able to get an appointment.

30th November 2022
Well I managed to get in to the doctors last Friday but what a waste of time it was. I explained to him what had been going on. He went to speak to one of the other doctors as he was a junior doctor but all he came back with was to speak with Occupational Health at work & contact CMHT or the Crisis team if I need to. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it didn’t help me at all. I already know I’m being discharged from CMHT & when you phone the Crisis team you have to wait around 3 hours before someone phones you back. Work allowed me to do another week of phased return this week as I missed most of last week. I’m enjoying it but there’s a lot to learn & I just seem to be shown bits of a lot of duties so it’s not really sinking in. I think I’m going to explain this to my manager tomorrow & see if I can just do one thing at a time so it will hopefully make it easier to learn. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to go back to full time but I don’t think I have much option. They have been really supportive but I know they need me there full time as it’s really busy. Maybe I will contact my worker at Work Place Leeds & see what they say / suggest. I spoke with SARSVL again today. It was more of a catch up on what’s being happening & how it’s all left me feeling. She’s going to try & get in touch with the detective this week for a further update. I also attended the last session on the Skills For Managing Emotions course today. I think I’m going to look over all the workbooks they have sent & makes notes of areas which I think may help me going forward. I’m still hoping that my counsellor will agree to speak with me again when she has her next reveiw with her supervisor in a couple of weeks. This may be around the time I find out the police’s decision so feel like I will really need that support. If not, I’m not sure what to do.