May 2023

2nd May 2023
It’s been a crazy day today! I received a call from my solicitor saying they needed to rearrange my appointment due tomorrow. This really unsettled me until I spoke with the actual solicitor who reassured me things should go ok next Tuesday. I really hope so. I attended the online peer support group this morning. It was my turn to ‘Take Time’. I spoke about how the assault affects me & asked others how they stop negative thoughts & how to build up self-confidence. It was quite triggering for a few of us. It makes me sad & angry how many people have gone through something similar. They all offered great advice & support & it made me feel less alone. I have to work on not blaming myself which I find extremely hard. I know this is something my counsellor wants us to work on. Whilst I was on the session, George, a peer support worker, phoned me so I called her back after the session finished. We had a chat about what’s been happening over the last few weeks & things that are worrying me at the moment. I had my session with my private counsellor this afternoon. We talked about the blame side of things & also how I’m going to try & stay grounded during the next week due to a couple of things I’m worried about. I’ve gone 6 weeks now without any incidents so hopefully this will continue. Finally, my worker from Live Well Leeds called me for a catch up. She was really pleased that there hadn’t been any incidents & she has referred me to a trauma group which starts this week. I’ve kept busy over the last few days. I managed to clear out the small bedroom & took a lot of the stuff to the tip. We can now actually see the floor!! All it needs now is a good lick of paint & it will look like a different room. I have another session with SARSVL tomorrow so am looking forward to that.

5th May 2023
I attended the new trauma group yesterday. It was really useful & covered quite a lot of things which effect me. There’s only 5 of us on the group but everyone seemed to join in well. There’s only 7 sessions but it should help with some things. I filled in my criminal compensation form online with my SARSVL advocate on Wednesday. She says it can take at least up to a year before they usually fully process it. I’m not looking forward to when our calls come to an end which will probably be in the next few weeks. She has been such a great support. I saw my own doctor this morning. She seemed to be pleased that I haven’t had any incidents for almost a couple of months. I asked her if I could reduce my medication. She didn’t seem keen but said she will contact CMHT to ask for the psychiatrist’s opinion. I am really dreading next Tuesday. I’m hoping they decide not to take any further action but who knows what will happen. I’m having a bit of pampering tomorrow as I’m having my hair done so that should make me feel better as I haven’t had it done for a while. Then on Sunday I’m visiting my mum so we may get chance to have a nice hot chocolate at Costa!

9th May 2023
Well, I managed to survive today! My case has been adjourned until 6th June. I can’t believe I have to wait another month. My anxiety levels will start increasing again as the date gets nearer. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without my husband at my side. I’ve just had my session with my counsellor. She really is so easy to talk to & what she says makes sense. She says we need to work on not blaming myself for things. I don’t think this will be easy as, when people say it wasn’t my fault, for some reason I get angry. Hopefully in time I will be able to believe this. My manager is phoning me tomorrow. She’s spoken with HR & the Safeguarding Team so wants to update me. I really don’t know which way it is going to go. Then on Thursday I have my worker from Work Place Leeds calling me, a call with my Mind support worker & then I have the online trauma group in the evening. Quite a busy day but I don’t have anything planned for Friday so can relax & recover!

10th May 2023
Today I spoke with my manager from work. They are still being very understanding but, understandably, have some concerns over my return to work, even when I feel ready. I have to wait for Occupational Health to get in touch with me as they may need further information from my GP. I am speaking with Work Place Leeds tomorrow so she may be able to advise me some more. I am looking forward to the online trauma group tomorrow evening. It helps working through their workbooks & sharing our thoughts with each other. My husband treated me today with some GHD’s & special hair sprays to help get rid of my frizzy hair! I can’t wait to try them tomorrow! I am so lucky to have him & I love him to bits.

12th May 2023
For some reason, yesterday was not a good day. I felt ‘off’ as soon as I woke up. I don’t know if I had a bad dream or if it was just the stress from over the last few days. I later had a few flashbacks which I haven’t had for a while. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to open up & talk about what happened & how it makes me feel. I still want to carry on with the counselling though as I still believe it will make me better in the long run. I really do enjoy talking with my counsellor & I feel as though I can trust her & she understands what I’m experiencing. I went on the online trauma group last night but struggled towards the end. We were talking about triggers & that we need to face difficult situations as this is the best way of reducing triggers in the long run, but I said some of my triggers end up in dangerous situations so it’s hard to put myself in difficult situations. I also had some disappointing news today which has left me feeling useless. I am trying to remain positive but sometimes it’s just too hard. I have to concentrate on the good things in my life. Maybe I need to start writing down my gratitude list every day again as this should help me concentrate on the positives rather than the negatives.

18th May 2023
It’s been quite a busy week so far, especially Tuesday. I went to see my GP just for a catch up & a new sick note. She seems quite pleased with my progress over the last 2 months. I went on the online peer support group in the morning. It was quite relevant to me as we discussed EUPD & came up with suggestions on how to help deal with the symptoms of this. Then in the afternoon I had another session with my counsellor. I really can’t believe how fast that hour goes. We talked about blame again & the voice. We also discussed what I have coming up in the next few weeks which are worrying me & how I may try to deal with the situations. Today I spoke with my new Work Place Leeds worker. She seems really nice & made some really good suggestions. I also spoke with my MIND support worker this afternoon. We didn’t talk about anything too deep. It was more of a catch up about that we’ve both been up to. I think I only have one more week speaking with her. Finally, I have just been on the third session of the online trauma group. I find these quite difficult sometimes as they can be triggering. I want to stick with it though as it may help me in the long run. I haven’t got too much planned over the next few days so I’m going to try & relax a little bit. There have been a few illnesses / incidents in the family which is not good. I pray that things will turn around. These always seem to occur when I ignore the voice. I need to work on what my counsellor has suggested. She has told me to understand the voice, try talking to it, make friends with it & ask what it needs, other than destructive behaviours. This is certainly something I need to work on.

23rd May 2023
I’ve had quite a good few days. I went to see my mum on Sunday & we had a shandy at the local pub in the sunshine. We both enjoyed it. Yesterday, I took our dog, Poppy, out for a long walk. I think it did us both good. I need to try & exercise more. It does both my physical & mental health a lot of good. This morning I went on the peer online support group. Again, it was very humbling. We all seem to really understand what each other is going through & support each other as much as possible. It’s such a shame it is coming to an end – we only have 2 left. I’m gutted I won’t be able to attend the last session. Hopefully, everyone will agree for us to continue to meeting online, just without the facilitators. I have just had another session with my counsellor. I really do feel better after I’ve spoken with her. Over the next week she wants me to start writing down positives / gratitudes each day & especially when I get the voice. I will find this hard as I’m usually more negative thinking rather than positive but, hopefully, the more I do it, the easier it will become. I wish I could speak with her more often. Tomorrow I have a session with my SARSVL advocate. I haven’t spoken to her for a few weeks so we should have a bit to catch up on. Again, my sessions with her are due to come to an end which I am not looking forward to. I really struggle when I lose this type of support. I find it hard to adjust without it. Maybe this is something else I need to speak to my counsellor about.