1st May 2021 What a difference a day makes. Went to visit a friend in hospital. Was great to see her. We took a train to get there which was such a nice change. Unfortunately I received some bad news from my doctor on some test results as they believe I have COPD. Early days yet though. Had a fun evening with our granddaughter. We enjoyed having pillow fights!

2nd May 2021 Was lovely to see my mother-in-law & father-in-law today. Seems like ages ago since we’ve seen them. Enjoyed playing in the garden with my granddaughter. I just hope I can get my driving licence back soon (it was revoked for medical reasons) so I can take her to lots of different places.

3rd May 2021 I’ve enjoyed today. I’ve had a walk to the shops and swam 30 lengths in the pool. I even walked back from the leisure centre. I haven’t had the voice today which has been great. I’m not looking forward to having my police video interview on 13th May. I haven’t spoken about what happened after 30 years so I guess it is going to be hard. I just hope it doesn’t affect me in a negative way.

4th May 2021 Today started off as a pretty average day but got better as the day went on. My psychiatrist phoned me & we had a really good catch up. She is so supportive & easy to talk to. I have just come off the phone to mum & dad and they seem to be in really good spirits which is always nice to hear. I’ve hardly had any voices today which has been a relief.

5th May 2021 I’ve had a happy day today. I went shopping this morning & bobbed to see mum & dad. This afternoon I was on a zoom meeting with the Service User Network group talking about good things. I’m really looking forward to swimming again this evening. I’m talking to my Mental Health Nurse tomorrow. Although I always get anxious beforehand, she is so supportive, I hope this good mood lasts.

7th May 2021 I’ve been busy today with Instagram & my web page. It’s good to be busy – it keeps the mind occupied. I’ve got lots of ideas for my web site so watch this space!! No voices today which is always a nice feeling.

8th May 2021 I’ve had a pretty lazy day today. Didn’t get out of bed until 12pm. Went to see mum & dad which was lovely. I wish we could spend more time together rather than just half an hour that Covid restrictions allow. Fingers crossed we can take them away at the end of next month. I’m starting to think about the interview next week now. I’m sure as it gets closer my thoughts & feelings will become stronger. 

9th May 2021 I’ve tried to keep busy today in order to stop thinking about Thursday. Andy & I had a good chat last night about the interview & I feel a lot better about it but it doesn’t stop my mind from wandering. I’ll be glad when it’s all over. Looking forward to meeting a friend tomorrow.

10th May 2021 A much better day today. Had a bit of a lie in this morning. Then enjoyed a walk to the shops with a friend. This afternoon I’ve been working on my Instagram account. Family & friends have been so supportive and I know how lucky I am to have their love and support. 

11th May 2021 It’s been a long day today as I was awake at 4.30am. Again, I’ve tried to keep busy by cleaning and going for a walk but my mind keeps going back to the interview. I’m even starting to see people in the house again so my psychosis is kicking in. Is it really going to be as bad as I think? I guess I’m going to find out soon. I got in touch with a friend today who’s struggling in hospital. I wish I could do something to make her feel better. 

12th May 2021 Not a particularly good day today. I did go to the shops and walked back so got some exercise. I have the monthly meditation course tonight so that may help me feel better. 

13th May 2021 Well I managed to get today out of the way. The interview was so hard. Unfortunately, my nurse couldn’t come in with me but knowing her and my husband were outside the room certainly helped. I’m not sure how I feel now. I think I feel empty. I’m hoping this is the start of a new life, without bad voices and thoughts. I know he’s pretty angry with me right now but hopefully that will soon go & I can move on. 

15th May 2021 Not feeling it today. I’m feeling spaced out. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep. We have our youngest grandchild to stay over so that’s a good distraction. It’s lovely to watch her playing and enjoying herself. I hope things get better soon. Wish I could speak with my nurse today. 

16th May 2021 Loved having our granddaughter over to stay. It was nice to play silly games. My mind is still on the interview last Thursday. Why do I think the detective didn’t believe me? I was hoping after the interview my mind would be more at peace but it doesn’t appear to be that way. I keep thinking what if, after he’s been interviewed, he starts looking for me. Maybe I’m being irrational but that’s the way my mind’s going. 

17th May 2021 I’ve struggled today. I had a call with my Employment Specialist this morning. We’re going to go through my C.V. and job searches next time we talk. This afternoon I saw my nurse & I was honest with her about how I’m feeling after the interview. I thought I would feel a lot better after it but it’s not turned out that way.  

18th May 2021 Another bad day. I can’t get the voice / thoughts out of my head. If I keep busy it’s not too bad but the moment I stop they come back. I spoke with the Community Health Team today who were really nice. Then when my husband got back from work I told him what has been going on for the last couple of days. I just wish they’d give me a break. 

19th May 2021 I really don’t know what’s going on. All I want to do is go to bed and stay there. I want to try and keep busy but I don’t feel like doing anything. Every day I hope that I wake up and feel better. I’m supposed to be going swimming tomorrow and meet some friends on Friday and I hope I’m up for it as I think I will feel better afterwards but the thought of doing them is making me feel nervous. I guess I’ll have to wait and see how I feel on the day. 

20th May 2021 Well I managed to go swimming today which made me feel a bit better. I’ve decided to meet my friends tomorrow as I think it will do me good. I hope I don’t regret it by ending up feeling worse. I think it will be good to catch up with them. Spoke to my nurse again today. She’s so supportive. I just wish I could have spoken to her for longer. She’s due to ring me again tomorrow so that’s good. Fingers crossed tomorrow is going to be a good day.

23rd May 2021 I haven’t been on here for a while as it has been a really tough few days. I really don’t know what’s going on but each time I wake up I hope that it is going to be a better day. My husband has been a great support, as always. I really don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m having to see the Crisis Team again just to see me through these bad times and I’m due to speak to my Community Mental Health Nurse tomorrow. I keep trying to look forward but it is so hard at the moment.