5th December 2022
It looks like my private counsellor is going to stick with her decision not to counsel me any more. She’s still saying I need someone with more experience in what is going on for me. I kind of understand but it has still left me feeling abandoned & angry. I’ve emailed a few other counsellors tonight & explained my symptoms etc so at least they will know right from the start &, hopefully, I won’t have to go through these feelings again. Work is still going ok. Things are starting to sync in more so I’m able to complete more work. It’s my first full week this week so it may be a bit hard but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. I’ve been referred for a CMHT Online Support Group. They are weekly sessions for 12 weeks. Unfortunately they are on a Tuesday afternoon so I have had to email my manager to ask for his permission for me to attend these. I really hope he lets me as I really want to attend them. I’m finding it hard to get in to the Christmas spirit. It’s hard knowing my dad isn’t going to be with us & this is going to be the first Christmas without him. I’m sure my mum will struggle too but hopefully we can keep her going. I’ve emailed the detective tonight to see if she has any further update. I’m hoping they are close to deciding what to do as I can then try & deal with the decision & the feelings surrounding this.

14th December 2022
I haven’t been on here for a while mainly due to the website builder being down. The end of last week was a nightmare. I received a letter from the DVLA telling me, following the annual review of my driving licence, they had revoked it for 3 months. They had written to my psychiatrist (who I’ve never seen or spoken to) & he stated I was not stable to drive. I am absolutely fuming. I am going to appeal the decision but that is going to take time. I have ruined Christmas for everyone. One of my friends has very kindly offered to pick my mum up on Christmas day but now we can’t go to our other family on Boxing Day as we won’t be able to get there & back. Why do I always mess things up? I’m finding it quite hard to work full time & keep up with all my appointments. I had my first counselling session on Monday night which went ok. I opened up quite a bit to her so hopefully we will be able to work together & I really hope she doesn’t do what the other counsellor did &, after a few sessions, decide she’s not experienced in my area. It takes me so long to trust someone so I will find this so hard. I also started the Leeds Mind online support group yesterday afternoon. There’s about 7 of us on the course & we all opened up a bit towards the end of the session. I think it may help talking with others who understand what you’re going through. Tonight I spoke with my advocate from SARSVL. It’s looking like we’re not going to get a decision until the new year. I am really getting fed up of waiting. It’s been 3 years now &, although they are almost at the end of their investigation, it just seems to have been going on forever.

27th December 2022
Well, Christmas went well considering the circumstances. It was really hard with it being the first one without my dad. We always made Christmas a big family thing. My mum came to our house on Christmas day & stayed overnight. I think she enjoyed herself & she coped really well without my dad. I still have moments where something reminds me of him & I break down. I’m due my third appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. It’s not going too badly. I still have a feeling she is going to turn round & say I need more specialist counsellor. It has been nice to have 4 days off work. Most of the time has been spent with family but my husband & I have had a nice relaxing day today. He called our local councillor last week to complain about how long the police investigation is taking. We have a meeting arranged with him on 13th January so today I have been collating all the dates & details of contact from the police. This has been quite hard as it has got me thinking about it all again. I’ve not asked the detective for an update as my SARSVL advocate told her not to update me until she is back in work in the new year. I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with the decision. The detective hinted to my husband a couple of weeks go that she doesn’t think there’s going to be enough evidence to take it to the CPS. This makes me feel as though they don’t believe me & that it has all been a waste of time reporting it in the first place.