2nd January 2023
Well it’s the start of another year already. Time is going so fast. Last night I dreamt that I was in the police again & I was being tutored by another police woman. When I woke up it still seemed so real. I emailed the detective a couple of days ago to see where the investigation is at. She hasn’t come back to me yet but I guess she my be on holiday. I have quite a few appointments this week. I have my online support group tomorrow followed by a telephone consultation with Dr.Nathan. Then on Wednesday I have a call with Joy & on Friday I have a call with my counsellor. I’ve appealed the revoking of my driving licence with the Magistrates Court. I’m really hoping they will change the decision as it’s so much harder doing things without a car. I’m still really missing my dad. I wish he was still here. Maybe I need to talk to my counsellor about it. It always seems when I care about someone or love them, they are taken away from me. It’s happened so many times. I’m back at work tomorrow so hopefully that will keep my mind occupied.

4th January 2023
The online support group went ok yesterday. There was only a few of us but everyone seems to understand what each other is going through, even though we have different experiences and backgrounds. I received an email from SARSVL today. I’m due to speak to them again next week. I’m really hoping we have received an update from the police by then. My husband has gone out tonight so I’m going to try and keep busy. I managed a long night on my own last Friday so I’m sure I’ll be ok. Last night there was a police van & other police vehicles which pulled up outside our house. Even though they didn’t come to our house, I think ‘he’ sent them to warn me off in his own way. I really hope they don’t turn up again tonight.

9th January 2023
I had a really bad week last week. I coped well whilst my husband was out on Wednesday night & I felt relieved that the voice didn’t start whilst he was out. Unfortunately, when I was outside work at dinner time on Thursday, a police car pulled up really slowly beside me. I can’t get it out of my head that he has sent people to try & scare me off. The voice started in my head and was really loud. The end result was that I ended up in hospital as I did what the voice told me to do. Why didn’t I just phone my husband to tell him what was going on? Why do I always listen to the voice? It is just so loud at the moment. I was medically fit to be discharged from a & e late Friday afternoon. I was then assessed by a mental health team & the police dropped me at home. I feel so guilty for putting my husband, & family, through this again. It’s not fair on them. I can see what it’s doing to my husband & I hate myself for it. He doesn’t deserve this. Since coming home I have tried to reach out for help as much as I can. I had a session with my private counsellor on Friday night. I can’t believe she, like my first counsellor, has decided she’s not qualified enough to help me. Why, when I get to trust people, do they then go away? She has at least agreed to stay with me until she can find someone else suitable. I phoned SPA yesterday to ask to be referred back to the Intensive Support Services. The hospital did offer me this on Friday but I declined. After explaining what had been happening, they decided I was to be referred back to CMHT. I am waiting for them to contact me. I managed to get an appointment with my own GP today so my husband & I are going to explain what has been going on & to ask for more help for both of us. I have my online support group tomorrow & am due to speak with my advocate from SARSVL. I still haven’t had an update from the detective since my email I sent her on 30th December 2022 so I’m going to chase this up. Work have been really understanding as always. They’ve told me to take off as much time as I need. I think I am going to need time to try & work through this again.

10th January 2023
I had my online support group session this afternoon & it went really well. Initially we talked about our stress buckets & then it was my turn to talk about what I’ve been struggling with. I found it so comforting & reassuring how everyone offered me support & suggested coping techniques when I am not at home. I was dreading talking about things but they made it easier by their understanding. I have just come off my call with SARSVL. I found it quite hard talking about things again. The detective did email me back eventually yesterday but she said she was still waiting for some records from my GP. Then she said everything will be ready to be passed to her Sergeant for the decision on whether to pass it to the CPS or not. I’m hoping this will be towards the end of this week & hopefully I’ll have enough support to get me through whatever decision they make.

12th January 2023
I’ve had quite a lazy couple of days. I did visit my mum yesterday which I think we both enjoyed. It was nice to ‘chat’ about things that have been going on & decisions I am thinking of making. I spent some time doing some painting in the afternoon. I also had a session with my private counsellor. She hasn’t looked for another counsellor for me yet until a decision has been made by CMHT. A nurse from CMHT called me yesterday for an assessment. I am now waiting for them to get back to me to confirm whether I am going to see them again or not. It feels like I’m doing all the chasing & trying to reach out to help me get through this rough patch &, at the moment, no professionals are willing to help. I have been told Intensive Support Services will not be visiting me but I can call the Crisis Team at any point & my counsellor is waiting to ‘pass me on’ to someone else. Then to top it off, I was due a call from Leeds Mind last night & they never rang me. When this happens my anxiety hits the roof so it took me a while to calm down. I don’t feel I have achieved much today so am going to try my best to be more motivated tomorrow.

14th January 2023
Why does everyone / everything seem to be going against me? I’m struggling to find someone professional to talk to. I still haven’t heard from CMHT & am waiting for my counsellor to find someone else for me. I am still disputing the revoke of my driving licence which is to be heard at the magistrates court, hopefully soon. I’m also still waiting to hear from the detective about their investigation. I keep thinking I’ll hear soon but then they say there’s a delay for some reason. Then, to top it all off, I’ve had a letter today about my latest DBS check. The police have written a statement outlining some of my episodes over the last year. This means I have to renew my certificate which will have this information on & I have to tell my employers. I’m hoping to speak with Work Place Leeds next week to see what my options are. I don’t think it’s going to have a positive outcome.

16th January 2023
Well, I emailed one of my managers today to inform them about my latest DBS checks. She’s asked me to send her the new certificate when I receive it so they can look in to this & discuss it further. She did say not to worry about it at this stage, but that’s easy for her to say. I’m getting fed up of having to chase people. I phoned CMHT triage today who I spoke to last week about my referral back to them. I was told someone would phone me back but they never did. I’ve also just emailed the detective to see if she has received my GP records yet. Hopefully she will reply to me soon. My husband & I went to see our local MP last Friday to discuss how long the investigation has taken & that the same police force are investigating ‘one of their own’. He is going to contact the Chief Inspector about this so we’ll see what comes back from that. I’ve got my online group support session tomorrow so I’m kind of looking forward to that. I’m trying to be positive about things but it’s hard when everything seems to be going against you.

24th January 2023
Had a really crap few days. I had my update with my SARSVL advocate on Friday morning, although there was no real update. Neither she nor I have heard from the detective recently. Then, just as I was leaving my mum’s on Friday afternoon I received a call from my doctors saying they had been asked by the police to send them some medical records over but they sent the wrong information by mistake. I think this just triggered everything & the voice started really loudly. Without going in to detail, I ended up back in hospital Friday & Saturday which was not very pleasant. I guess I’ve only got myself to blame. I’m just finding everything really hard at the moment & there seems to be a lot going on / wrong. As well as the police investigation being on my mind, I still don’t have a driving licence yet, my DBS check came back with information on it which I wish wasn’t, my dad’s death is playing on my mind & so is work. To make it worse, my husband received his DBS check last week & they have included information on that about me which means he is going to be restricted in which jobs he can apply for in the future. I am just messing everyone’s lives up one way or another. I’m trying to keep busy but sometimes it’s just so hard then the voice takes over. Both my husband & my mum are really angry with me after last weeks incidents which I totally understand, but it’s so hard & is making me feel so alone. I now need to try & remain positive, continue to seek out help (as I’m currently not receiving any professional one-to-one support) & prove to them & myself that I can do this & I’m not going to let it take over my head again. If it does, I need to ask for help straight away before it is too late. I saw my doctor yesterday &, due to my heightened anxiety, she ended up phoning for an ambulance for my own safety. The end result was the paramedic phoned street triage who advised them to take me home & for me to phone the Crisis Team. One of our granddaughters is coming over tonight so I’m really looking forward to that. She always cheers us up. I just hope she doesn’t pick up on the bad atmosphere between my husband & I.

27th January 2023
The last few days have been much better. It was lovely to see our granddaughter on Tuesday night. She always puts a smile on our faces. My husband & I are talking more which is really good. I just need to keep proving to him that I am safe. I struggled on the online support group session on Tuesday afternoon. One of the ladies was talking about grieving & it made me think a lot about my dad. I did chat with the facilitators after the session & they are going to see if they can find me some extra support which I’m really grateful for. I went to see my mum yesterday afternoon. It was great to see her again & we had a good catch up. She’s coping so well with everything. My doctors phoned me to confirm the doctor has given me a sick note for a month & she has referred me to the primary mental health nurse. I don’t know what the waiting time is for this but I guess I just need to be patient. I have just had a session with my private counsellor. She has emailed CMHT about what support can be given to me especially now whilst I am struggling as my safety plan isn’t always working. She’s also suggested I see my doctor every 2 weeks for a catch up and also to speak with my psychiatrist regarding a possible review of my medication. I’m hoping the next few days are going to go well & hopefully next week I may hear something about the extra support I can get.

30th January 2023
Touch wood, things are going pretty well at the moment. My husband & I have had a really good talk about things & we’ve put certain things in place. We are both going to start little projects around the house which should keep us busy for a while. I’ve been trying to book an appointment with my doctor but they are always full when I try online. I may need to call the reception to see if they can book one for me next week. I’ve got my online group again tomorrow so hopefully that will go better than last week. Then on Friday morning I have another session with my private counsellor & in the afternoon my husband & I have a meeting with admin at my doctor’s as they have made a mistake in sending the wrong information to the police for their investigation. I hope they have managed to send the correct information by now as the investigation should then be complete & I can receive a decision at long last. I’m worrying about our dog as she has a stomach upset & she’s had it for 3 days now. I spoke with a vet online this morning & she’s suggested certain food & tablets which should help so we’re going to get these today & hope it makes her better. The cost of appealing my driving licence, if unsuccessful, is ridiculous so I’m going to have to wait until it’s due to be reviewed again in mid February. I have spoken to the DVLA to ask them to ensure they ask my GP for the information rather than the psychiatrist as I still haven’t seen him & I have regular updates with my GP. Fingers crossed I’ll get it back again in February.