11th March 2023
The last couple of weeks have been very up & down. Last week wasn’t a good one. I had to go in to work for a catch up &, following this, I had a couple of terrible incidents. This week, however, has been a lot better. I had my private counselling session last Friday. I discussed what had happened over the previous couple of days. My counsellor thinks I would maybe do better if I went in to hospital for a time but I would really prefer to stay at home with my husband & dog. Hopefully things will keep on improving. I’ve been told by the detective that my case should be getting reviewed by her inspector next week. I really hope so as it’s seems to have taken so long, yet I’m also really anxious about the decision & what this will mean. I received a call from Linking Leeds on Thursday to carry out an assessment. I was referred to them by CMHT. She seemed really nice & is phoning me again next week. This morning I attended an online bereavement group. A few people were very emotional & had very sad stories. Following this group we can receive up to 6 one-to-one sessions so I am going to take them up on this. My husband & I went to watch a comedian on Thursday. We both really enjoyed it & it was so nice to have a night out together, although I did panic a bit afterwards whilst we were waiting for our taxi in town. I have got another session with my counsellor on Monday & I have to go in to work on Thursday with some paperwork for my new DBS check. I’m hoping everything will run smoothly.

18th March 2023
This last week has been hell. I found out on Monday that the police have decided there is not enough evidence to pass my case to the CPS. This has brought back so many bad thoughts & feelings which, unfortunately, I haven’t coped with very well. We do have a choice to use the Victims Right To Review whereby other officers would review the case & evidence but I haven’t decided yet whether this would be a good idea. It may give me more closure knowing that it has been investigated fully but it may also prolong these feelings etc. I am speaking with my SARSVL advocate on Monday so may be this is something I can discuss with her. The detective is coming to our home on Friday to go through everything with us. Hopefully this may answer some questions. I didn’t make it in to work on Thursday as I wasn’t well enough. My manager has been in touch to say she is going to have to speak to HR about the situation so I’m guessing that’s not going to be a good outcome. Hopefully, very soon, things will start getting better & I can move on from the crap last few years & start enjoying life again to the full, not only for my sake, but also my husband’s.

23rd March 2023
This week hasn’t been too bad. I have slept quite a lot though & haven’t been out much. I am absolutely dreading my meeting with the detective tomorrow. I am worried it may trigger me & I’m not sure how I am going to deal with it. I’m glad my husband is going to be there. I spoke with my SARSVL advocate on Monday which helped a bit. She’s making time for me tomorrow in case I need to speak to her about it. I also had a chat with my MIND Peer Support Worker yesterday so I got a few things off my chest. She is still trying to get my doctor to refer me back to the CMHT team but I don’t think this will happen as they’ve already said no in the past. I am still waiting for my doctor to get in touch with the DVLA about my driving licence. I am really hoping she is going to answer their questions in a positive way as I desperately need my licence back. It’s been over 3 months now &, even though I have had incidents, none of them have been whilst I have been driving so I can’t see why they can’t give me it back. We are being treated to lunch on Sunday by my step daughter so looking forward to that. It will also be great to see our granddaughters again as we haven’t seen them for a while. I haven’t planned anything for Saturday as I’m not sure how I will feel after speaking with the detective. I’m going to see my mum this afternoon so looking forward to that. Even though she’s unable to verbalise things, she knows what’s going on & is a great support just by being there.

28th March 2023
Had a lovely meal out last Sunday. It was great to see our granddaughters again. They’re coming to stay with us for a few nights over the Easter holidays so that will be really nice. The detective came to meet us last Friday. She explained why they couldn’t go ahead with the case, read some of the statements which were given & answered our questions. Immediately after the meeting I felt ok & as though they had done everything they could, however, later on in the day I felt as though I had wasted 2 years of my life without any real closure. I have another session with my SARSVL advocate tomorrow so hopefully this will help a little. I am still waiting for work to get back in touch with me which is causing me some anxiety. I just wish they would contact me with the outcome of their discussions with HR. Not knowing is just causing me more stress. After my last two private counsellors have let me down, I am going to start again & try to find one who can support me properly. What I don’t want is to start with a new one, then, after a couple of sessions, they say they’re not experienced enough. Fingers crossed I will find a suitable one who will stick with me. I’m due to speak with my GP at the end of this week. I’m really hoping she has returned positive feedback to the DVLA so I can get my driving licence back.